The True Confessions of Brand_S

The List Goes On

For those who don't know, SpaceTime was responsible for a good half of the finale of the Dominion War and some other things sprinkled in intermittently. If Yeontoo hadn't coerced me into chatting with him that day, he would have died with buffyboy (although darkslider would have lived). The ending would have been a lot shorter, and would have basically been the same, save for the whole SpaceTime/darkslider scene. darkslider also provided a good deal of inspiration, mostly ways to lambaste Executive, which are always welcome.

For various reasons, but mostly because I felt an obligation to pay SpaceTime back, I participated in his extension of the Beret War... the Legion of Booze. If there's one thing I reserve the right to brag about, it's that I'm not what anybody thinks I am. I got to turn a few heads with my lewd, lascivious, lowbrow, lubricious, lecherous performance there. I'm still quite proud of that; nobody saw it coming, not even the people who put me up to it. Space thought I had the Sassmobile going too fast and I was addressing him and dark in an improper way, but he enjoyed it to no end. dark loved it, which I thought was awesome. When Sabre_Edge read about himself getting raped by she-male Olsen Twins and JorgeCis saw himself lighting his own farts and becoming a Teletubby's bitch... Well, I think they took it rather well.

All it really amounted to was an outlet for my own desire to get laid.

After that single chapter was done, I got started on my next project: The Gopher. This one took months for me to complete. Half the battle was psyching myself up to do it. The Gopher I am extremely proud of. It started as one spark of an idea: What would it be like to work for David E. Peckinpah, the biggest moron "Sliders" has ever seen? At this point, I tried to add more and more characters to pad it up.

· Jerry and Charlie O'Connell had to have egos that could level skyscrapers. Not that they care that most "Sliders" fans hate them. I heard one guy refer to them by their initials: JOC and COC, "the jock and the cock." But I abhor the word "cock." There's no grace, no subtlety, no finesse, no appeal, no potential for humor. It's an ugly, ugly, ugly word. Jerry, on the other hand, is indeed a jock.
· Sabrina Lloyd as a person had always ticked me off. Maybe she is cute, but when a cute chick is taken, it's really not worth gawking. I spent very little time on her for this reason.
· All I knew about John Rhys-Davies was that he was gonna be English and he was gonna hate Peck with a fervent passion.
· Cleavant Derricks was also scheduled to hate Peck... Then I read Space's interview with him. Total 180.
· Kari fucks everything... especially Peck. She has dildos that would make porn stars cry.
· All I knew about Damron was that he was always eating lunch. Isn't that enough?
· Bill Dial, on the other hand, I knew NOTHING about, except that being on top gives him a power trip. That's one of those things that's okay for lesbians, (MORE than okay for them.) but for producers who undermine their own TV shows... Well, I knew there was conflict a'brewin' there.
· Chris Black, Paul Leonard, and Paul Cajero were originally supposed to be like the horn section in "Cheech & Chong's Up In Smoke," but over time each developed their own personalities. They were, like, "the same... but different."

What I realized once I started extensively planning were two things. First, my main character needed a name; this isn't "Fight Club." Second, if he's the only one of my characters, this story will get real stale real fast. So, I made up some of my own...

· Joey Simms became my boy. By the way, I had this story in planning long before "Malcolm in the Middle" premiered. Any resemblance: purely coincidental. But boy, do both their lives suck! Joey is basically what I was when I was writing that story. Yes, my life has actually sucked THAT bad!
· Larva was the first one. She was originally given the same initials as Lotus Blossom, a former regular on the "other" message board; a manipulative girl who turned out to be a manipulative man. I also wanted a Darva Conger reference. Hence: Larva Buckley. After the story was written, after it was brought to my attention that she shares a last name with QBall79, and, contrary to my previous understanding of him, he's not an unnerving transsexual slut. This is when she acquired her final name: Larva Bosch.
· Da was added about midway through. I wanted her to have a name that only an idiot would give her. (Although it could also legitimately be a Japanese name; although the Japanese know better than to be as sexist, ageist, and xenophobic as they are, I wouldn't call THEM idiots.) It was intentional that we not see her resemblance to the Pecker until the end of the story.
· Miss Stillman is one of my all-time favorites of my characters. She's got the looks, but she's obviously mentally fucked-up-down-and-all-around. Although if I was dating a hot chick, a ten-year-age-difference would not matter. In case I haven't repeated it enough times: Me. Once. Flirt. With. Single. Mother. When every Catholic in the world believes she's already going to Hell, it really frees up a person's schedule. (If it seems like I'm being more imbalanced than usual right now, blame it on AC/DC. HELL'S BELLS! ... HELL'S BELLS! ... HELL'S BELLS! You can't tell me that you're not visualizing Angus Young dancing around onstage in that uniform picking away; catch his Lucky Charms!)
· Travis was 100% afterthought. He was added as I wrote the story. And, in a fit of pure creepiness, I have a friend who I met about year after having started the story. He shares Travis' personality AND name to a T!

So, after months of effort, uniting all these characters in what Blinker accurately called a "Sliders behind-the-scenes epic," now came the time for its spectacular premiere here! I mean, sure, we'll ignore the fact that one of my beta readers found it sick and disgusting; so was the Dominion War. The Gopher was going to change the message board and the Sliders community. Everyone would love my satirical skills; I'd be even more popular! So, with a big grin on my face, I posted it, just waiting for the replies to pour in! I got...

6 replies.

What the fuck?

What the FUCK?!

But I did all that work! All those "Sliders" references! I blended the fiction with the non-fiction. MISS STILLMAN, people, MISS STILLMAN!

So, I reposted another part.

5 replies.

Eusti, nole9, and DoctorQuinn continued supporting me, with additional aid from Yeontoo and Stoker_chick. But the replies got lower and lower after that. Despite most of these five people telling me that most of the place really is following The Gopher, how the hell do I know that if I end up averaging maybe 3.5 replies per post after the series' run ends? I ended up posting a comprehensive edition at the end, which netted maybe 8 replies, mostly because of my glowing praise of Tigs, whom I practically idolized at the time, and Blinker.

· Stoker_chick
Of all the people who are no longer posting, I miss Stoker_chick more than most. Despite the unwritten rule here that she and HunterD_Raven were an item, if I knew anyone like her in real life, I'd be her best friend, if ya know what I mean. A genius like her living in New Jersey almost seems too good to be true. I just hope she comes back here someday. Someday soon. She was on my AIM list for a long-ass time, but she never came online. I was extremely disappointed. I just hope she's still alive. (Now you can blame Pearl Jam. IIIII... I'M STILL ALIVE...)

Anyhow, I heard there was some confusion regarding this. I had always planned for this to be a 12-part story. I didn't cut it off early or anything, although if it wasn't pre-written I probably would have. But who cares? HurriKain is the only person left who even remembers it!

· HurriKain
I see HurriKain as representing the true old-timer spirit, without the jackassity that has consumed the lesser of his number. He hates Peck, he hates Kari, he hates the jock, and he loves those ol' early days. I'm just sorry he lives in New Orleans, but that's another story. HurriKain's a good guy, and he's the only other person who knows the true terror of being flipped off by Scooby Doo... on a unicycle!

At any rate, The Gopher left very deep scars in the Brand_S persona, as well as leaving said persona flat-out pissed off. But it was a year and a month ago, so I'm not as pissed as I was then. Running concurrently was the first season of BBSA: BBoard Sliding Adventures. This was a special Dominion War-inspired creation by Nobuyuki.

· Nobuyuki
You can't go wrong with a guy who is from the same place I am: Seattle. He's gone too, and I miss the hell outta him, because he knew how to shake it! (By "shake it" I mean write good stories... although I'm sure he's fully aware of how to urinate while at the same time making sure it all gets out.) But the hope that he's lurking springs eternal... as does the hope that someone will finish off BBSA. Nobuyuki is every bit as funny as I am. Just a shame he's not recognized as such.

I thought BBSA was (and still is) one awesome piece of work. One of the best I've seen on this message board. (That I'm a main character doesn't hurt either.) I liked it so much I volunteered to write my own episode. Again, afraid of being unfunny. I submit it and people eat it up. I got 7 replies, which for BBSA has always been a lot.

So, a few months after all this, I decided to find another thing to write. In response to all the fanfic seasons 6 lying around, I decided to write my own... with a little twist. It started as a blatant spoof of V6, then blossomed into its own series. (After all, I can only spoof V6 for the 2-3 episodes that were posted before the whole fucking thing went under.) All in one day, I got the idea for my own season 6, planned, and wrote the first episode. I also started on the second.

7 replies.

Shit, man. This wasn't going to get any better. The next episode had even fewer. Pretty soon I was averaging 2-3 replies. Each episode started taking longer and longer to write. By the end of that season I was spending a week on each episode. But did anybody give a shit? No.

So I moved the series around. I put it on an eGroup, on the "other" message board, I posted it here twice... Nobody cared. My latest episode on the "other" message board had 0 replies, 0 views for well over a week! It really pissed me off, considering that this series is the thing I'm most proud of, and the thing I enjoy writing the most.

So after a year of this shit, I made one last-ditch attempt at getting the attention of my peers: the Six Pilots of Brand_S. I had six ideas for different fanfic series. I was going to write a pilot for each and see how well-received they are. Unfortunately, after my computer crashed and was wiped, only one survived because I had the foresight to send it to RMScream.

· RMScream
Until recently, RMScream was always found in AIM, sharing decidedly lowbrow conversations with SpaceTime, CoolSlider, and myself. But I don't know what goes on on AIM now. I got tired of it after whole conversations were based on the merits of being a "cocksmoker" above a "cocksucker." It's a guy thing. At any rate, RMScream has always been one of my beta readers, because the guy is funny. I'm still surprised he's not better known around here.

At any rate, the only pilot that survived was the Green Ranger. But for me it was fresh, it was exciting, it was new. I tried posting it in August of 2001, hoping others would like it. If they didn't, I'd just give up. After all, I've been putting up with almost zero attention for about a year, and I've done everything about it I know how to do, all without success.

1 reply. ... It wasn't really even that positive a reply either.

To quote SpaceTime on a similar subject, "Fuck this."